Can I Be Frank?: Guilty Pleasures: 80s Hair Band Music Videos

1980s Hair Bands.

One word: Awesome

Per the folks at Urban Dictionary, a hair band is defined as follows:

“A group of men in a rock band, each with an obscenely large mane that is typically wavy and always past the shoulders. The men in the band (most formed in or around 1980) bang their heads so their hair flies all over and they sing rock songs about women and love in multi-part harmony. In addition, it is customary to wear either extremely tight pants or similarly tight stone-washed cut-off jeans when part of a hair band.”

Similar to a few of my other guilty pleasures, this one also falls in to the music category. 

The rock music scene in the 1980s was, well, strange but at the same time incredibly cool and these “hair bands” were at the forefront.  The men that made up these bands with the luscious locks were cutting edge yet also a throwback to a time period when men drank hard, made all the rules and women were simply objects for them to objectify.  Think of The Rat Pack with Mullets.

Motley Crue, Van Halen, Def Leopard, Poison, White Lion, White Snake, Twisted Sister and just too many more to name.  Of course, the Godfather of these hair bands was the great men-in-makeup, KISS.  All of these groups and the hair-teased band brethren had a slightly different sound – albeit it was mostly comprised of squealing lead singers, extended guitar riffs, and blow-your-ear-drum-out drum solos – but they all had one common ingredient to their success; incredible music videos.

The 1980s was the dawn of MTV – you remember, the real MTV – as in Music TeleVison.  Nowadays, MTV is almost totally comprised of awful reality shows and very little music, but back in their early days, it was music videos 24/7 and these horny, hair-ific rockers lead that video era.  As a pre-teen during most of this decade I could only appreciate these bands from a far.  I was too young to go to the concerts.  Didn’t have the cash to buy the (oh boy, I sound old) tapes, so the music videos were all I had at my disposal.  Quite frankly, for my co-curious teenie buddies and me, this outlet was our only access to the formed female body (except for the one kid who had HBO back then).  As (ahem) awesome as this music was, it was the music videos that captivated this guy and resulted in a later-in-life guilty pleasure.

The videos themselves were pure entertainment and almost surreal.  Bizarre, nonsensical, sexist and outright inappropriate.  I performed some research (i.e. I spent a whole afternoon at office watching my favorite hair band videos on You Tube) and took copious notes to the common thread that is witnessed in nearly every single one.

Here are my findings….

·        You’re wearing THAT?

I realize it was the 1980s and not the greatest decade for fashion, but these guys took bad idea digs to a new level.  A few shining examples:

Leather pants: OK, I get it.  Sex, drugs, rock and roll and…leather pants.  No issue with me.

Bandanas:  Somewhat of an odd accessory, bandanas were only worn by cowboys until this point in time.  Alright, I’ll bite, cowboys are kinda cool, but where you lost me, fellas, is when you started tying them around other body parts like arms and legs?  Unless you are bleeding out and in need of a tourniquet there is no logical reason to tie a bandana anywhere but around your neck.  Even the neck is somewhat unacceptable unless, of course, you are robbing a stagecoach.

Gloves: This one makes no sense.  Gloves have one sole purpose; to keep your hands warm. Correct?  Well, if you boys got a little chilly shooting the Tears are Falling video then why are the gloves FINGERLESS?  Flat out odd.

Boots: All shapes and sizes, all shapes and sizes.  Standard leather cowboy boots to full on leopard print wrestling shoes.  I suppose you need serious footwear if you need to perform bare-chested air splits all night long.

Feathers: Beyond just the earring (which is bad enough) feathers were frequently donned by these poufy haired performers.  Feathers are reserved for  Mr. T.  Period.

Capes:  Nuff said.

·        Excuse me, Mr. Simmons, but your mascara is running

In the 1970s, KISS originally started the makeup craze when they applied the black and white face paint.  Strange as it was, they made it work and it became their signature for a long time.  OK, I’ll give you guys a pass, but then things changed in the 80s. 

Many of the hair bands felt a need to dip in to their Mom’s make up bags and give it a try.  This attribute is one I found incredibly ironic.  Virtually every single lyric these guys wrote, recorded and sang revolved around woman and sex.  So let me get this straight, before I express my deep desire to bed every woman in the universe in a song, let me double check my lip stick and rouge?  Deduct 2 points.

·        Girls, Girls, Girls

As I alluded to above, hair bands, at their very core, spend their days and night penning explicit, crass and outright sexist rhymes describing their insatiable lust and desire to conquer every female in the world, one touring city at a time.  Apparently the political correctness police took a nap throughout the 80s.  Even as a young, pubescent teen, some of these lyrics could even make me blush.  But they got away with it.  More so, their lady fans seem to LOVE it.  Every video was crawling with scantily clad beauties that made you believe their only goal in life was to be taken by one of the she-male stars of stage.  I don’t get it?  As the late James Gandolfini used to say when in his Tony Soprano character, “What ever happened to Gary Cooper?”  Gary died, Jimmy, but meet your new role model 1980s kids.  Say ‘Hi’ to David Lee Roth.

·        What the hell?

If hair bands had one interest beyond the softer sex, it was an odd obsession with the Prince of Darkness and all things about the underworld.  Ozzy Osbourne and Motley Crue especially noted their affinity for the devil, hades and all things evil, but the theme was touched upon by many of these screeching soldiers from the U.S. Hair Force.  Again, don’t quite understand why?  Ah, the hell with it.

Typical of my ramblings, I really don’t have a point here.  Much like a car accident, I simply cannot look away from this 80s music video phenomenon.  I am afraid I may have gotten a little too engrossed in this guilty pleasure when I did a shirtless jump kick off my desk and licked the air guitar I was playing to Shout at the Devil.  At least Human Resources thought so.